how will my children feel?

Itis important to recognise that every child is different and no one child will have exactly the same experience of family separation. However, children will often feel:

confused
frightened
sad
hurt
let down
angry
guilty

Some children adapt fairly well to the new situation, whereas others will struggle. Remember, though, that how well a child adjusts is really down to you. Simply saying 'everything will be fine' and not paying attention to how your child feels can be very damaging.

Children are very good at hiding their feelings. Especially if they think it will upset you to show them. So try to be sensitive. Listen to what they are saying and think about what they're not saying.

Family separation is a massive life change. Think about what you are dealing with. Then think about what your children are having to deal with. You have the power to help your children to adjust to life in a separated family. Look out for the signs of distress and seek help if you need it so that your children will be able to grow up healthy and happy.

The table, below, gives some examples of the kinds of thing that your child may be experiencing.


Age	Signs of emotional anxiety
Babies	It can be difficult to spot signs of anxiety in babies but angry or depressed parents will pass this on to babies at a crucial time in their growth. Try to give your baby plenty of cuddles, smiles and good eye contact.
2 to 5	Children may display anger and sadness. There may be increased tearfulness. Boys may become restless and withdraw or become disruptive. Girls often try to take care of parents and become ‘little adults’. Children of this age also show regressive behaviour like bedwetting.
6 to 8	Children will often display sadness through increased tearfulness. Family separation can leave them feeling rejected and unloved. You may notice a drop in school performance or hear that they have become disruptive in class. Boys will very often miss their fathers intensely.
9 to 11	Children of this age will very often become angry, especially towards the parent that they think is responsible for the separation. They often feel frightened and want nothing more than for you to get back together again. You may notice a drop in school performance and sometimes an increase in headaches, sickness or nightmares.
Older	Some children in this age group, especially older ones, may become more independent and focus their energies outside the family and on their future. This can be a good thing. There is a danger that, whilst parents are dealing with the ending of their relationship, children of this age may drift away from the family unit and seek approval with their peers. This can lead to risky behaviour such as drinking, drug taking, inappropriate sexual activity and crime.

[back]